I’ve been wanting to start keeping a journal for a while now, so I figured now was as good a time as any to start writing. I just woke up three hours before the sunrise and was just lying in bed thinking of everything I’ve accomplished, but mainly everything that I haven’t accomplished in life. I like to think of myself as a “glass half full” gal, but more and more I’ve noticed that life has made me cynical and the realistic side of me has begun to see the glass half empty. I go through weeks where everything is fine, I love where I’m at in life, I love my job, I love my friends and family, I can see God working, and I feel like I’m on the right track, and then suddenly the train derails and I’m sent spiraling out of control and begin to question everything. It’s on those days that I begin to question God and doubt His plans are the plans that I want. Days like today.
Why is it that we can only focus on the things we haven’t accomplished yet? We easily forget about all the things we once prayed for once God comes through and we check it off our list. We are constantly focused on the future and what new and exciting thing we can do next and what other things we can check off our list. At least I am. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit of a planner and have had my life planned out since I was probably in middle school. I remember my parents used to always tell me that if I want to make God laugh, tell Him my plans. I would get so upset when they would tell me this because if God loved me and wanted me to be happy, He would help me accomplish all of my goals, get married, and start a family on the timeline that I wanted. But I’ve come to find that it doesn’t work like that. God is not a genie that just goes around granting wishes. He allows us to go through trials to strengthen us and push us to grow.
When I see others seemingly breezing through life, it’s hard for me to not get wrapped up in the mindset of “Oh, well why is it so easy for them? Why have they never had to struggle like me? Why does it always seem to work out for them and never for me? What am I doing wrong? Am I not enough?” These thoughts can be crippling and can easily steal all joy and act as blinders blocking out all the good things God is doing in your life, so that you are only focused on what you don’t have or what you haven’t accomplished. I recently did a devotional that focused on dealing with life’s disappointments and one of the things that stuck out to me was don’t make assumptions about how you think God should handle a situation because this only leads to frustration and disappointment. We get disappointed when God doesn’t do what we want Him to. Or when His plan doesn’t line up with our own plan on our own timeline.
It’s easy for me to smile and tell people who know I’m struggling “oh it’ll all work out according to His plan and I know I will learn from this and be a better person because of it…”- you know, the right words that will keep people from worrying about you. But deep down, it’s hard to shake the fear that what if it doesn’t? What if I don’t want the plan that God has for me?
When I look at my life and think of the person I was just two years ago compared to who I am today, I am reassured that God does have a plan for me and that He is constantly molding me and shaping me through every success and failure. Two years ago, I was fresh out of college and full of big dreams. Wow, I still can’t believe it’s been two whole years already. I planned on getting an amazing job offer and moving to Dallas to start a new life after graduation. It’s funny how life never turns out the way you planned. Something I’m still learning to accept.
Just when I thought the best years of my life were just about to start, I was hit with blow after blow of unanticipated disappointments. No Dallas job offer, failed relationships that made me question my worth, falling out with one of my closest friends, living alone for the first time in my life in a city where I knew no one and the feeling of utter loneliness that comes with that, and just feeling stuck at a standstill as people go on living their lives around me. Sure, there were good things happening in my life too. I was traveling to new places, I had a great job even though it wasn’t the one I planned, I had my own apartment that I decorated, and I seemed like I had my life together and had the whole adult thing down. When relatives would tell me how proud they were of me and all I’ve accomplished and how I had all of these things going for me, all I could think about was what I didn’t have and all the things I hadn’t accomplished. Like sure, I’m doing well and have a great job, but I’m not dating anyone, I hardly have any friends, I’m not getting married anytime soon, I’m not even really involved in a church. It wasn’t until after a year of living in this mindset that I decided to make a change and use this time alone to work on myself.
God has always been a huge part of my life. Growing up in a Christian home, attending a private Christian school for eleven years, volunteering in the church, joining a Christian women’s organization in college…I had the whole faith thing down. But what I didn’t have figured out was that I needed to choose to pursue a relationship with Christ for myself. Not because my parents wanted me to, not because it was the popular or right thing to do, or so that I could simply check it off of my to do list. I had to make it a priority in my life, and I had to choose to go to church because it was something I wanted to do to grow my faith and my personal relationship with Christ. And up until about a year ago, that wasn’t something I was doing. I chose to live in the lie that just because I’m not doing that one sin that someone else is doing, that I’m fine. God forgives. What I’m doing won’t make God love me any less and good works don’t get me into heaven anyway, so what’s the harm in living a little. It wasn’t until all the distractions were stripped away that I realized how disconnected from God I had let myself become.
I decided I was going to stop going through life with this “woe is me” attitude and that I would start to make an effort to enjoy the stage of life I’m in, even if it’s not what I had planned for myself. I began to see the trials that I had been through as learning opportunities that strengthened me. The change of plans in my career led me to a fulfilling job with people I enjoy working with. The failed relationships pushed me to grow in self-confidence, find my worth in Christ, and know what to expect and what I deserve out of future relationships. The falling out with my friend taught me to stand on my own two feet and be my own person which ultimately led to reconciliation. Living alone pushed me to grow and not be so afraid to do things by myself. I even started to try out several different churches and several different Bible studies by myself and began to get discouraged when they weren’t giving me the community that I so longed for. It wasn’t until I got back involved with my college church and joined one of their Bible studies a few months ago that I really started to feel God working and could see Him answering my prayers through this new community.
I’m not saying that I suddenly have it all figured out now that I’ve had a chance to drink a cup of coffee and write this all down. But I’ve learned to trust God and His plan for me and start to slowly relinquish my grip on the plans I have for my life. I still have days of doubt, but I’m reminded of Psalm 37:4 – “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”